Love or Lust

I decided to put dating on the backburner this past weekend and spent time with friends. I hung out with my (much older) friend, that is brand new to the divorce club. We talked about the grief cycle, and even if it’s an amicable and mutual decision, everyone will still go through the grief cycle (in my opinion). You are leaving the person you planned on spending the rest of your life with. That’s no easy fret. Shit although I wanted out badly of my marriage, I still went through the cycle until I didn’t.

What’s the grief cycle? Well, it depends on which version you want to investigate, but psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first identified the seven stages of grief in 1969. Her theory had five stages; later, two more stages were added. Those stages included shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and processing grief. It’s your attempt to process change while adapting to a new reality.     

The most vital part of our conversation was his explaining that they weren’t ever friends. All those years together, the beginning lustful attraction didn’t evolve into friendship. I got to thinking about past relationships. I knew I wasn’t friends with my ex-husband, which is one of the multiple reasons why I left. I had to ask myself if I would even hang out with him if we didn’t have kids. Nope!

But reflecting pass that, I also thought about my first engagement. I was so in love or lust. He told me I was his best friend, and he was mine. So why didn’t that work if we were friends? Mostly immaturity on both our parts. We were so young and had our own lessons to learn. Maybe if we had tried harder, we would’ve made it, but I don’t think I would be the woman, mother, and coach I am today if I didn’t choose a different path. I say all that to say there are lessons in every relationship.

And my much older friend had a point. Most people aren’t looking for a friend or partner to grow with. Instead, you fall for the hope or ideal of what could be or settle for what is. Neither brings you joy. Either way, find someone worth putting in the work with; otherwise, you will repeat situations that are trying to teach the exact lesson you have yet to learn.

Loving me first,

Laticia (aka Kahleesi)