Doomed from the Start

Like so many of my stories… this one isn’t so different. The girl meets the boy; the boy pretends to be available, and the girl picks up the pieces. I believe we have multiple soulmates, and I have met some of them in my brief lifetime. And part of me thought I had met my possible next, but there’s always a dark side.

At times, I feel like my life is like Mozelle Batiste Delacroix (from Eve’s Bayou). You know, the one who felt as if she was cursed and every man that she married ended up dying. Okay, let me not be that dramatic.  But I have had these intense encounters with some men that didn’t move beyond one night of dancing or lasted longer than six months. With these men, there was a mutual sexual attraction, a shared energy, and a keen desire to know each other better.  Time had seemed to vanish, and our presence was immense. This could be the last we see of each other, so we acted as such. But as I mentioned, none of that mattered because they were either emotionally or physically unavailable. Some lived on different continents, some had fiancés or wives, and some I think I self-sabotaged. Whatever the reason, they could all be dead to me now, and I’m left with the memories of what once was.

So, how did I meet the most recent one? I met a man who is married. We have a professional relationship and have kept it that way for over a year. Honestly, I didn’t even look at him in that way.  Fast forward, and our text messages started moving past professional conversation. I recall he updated me on a business matter and continued the text conversation throughout the evening and into the morning. We didn’t text often unless it was about business, but this time it was different. He later informed me that he was getting a divorce. Now I know some people will eye-roll like yeah, right… men will say anything. But he is actually getting a divorce, and no, it has nothing to do with me. He asked if we could be friends. Friends? Right... I tried to keep my distance and allow him to go through the process of his divorce. I, of all people, know how difficult divorce is, and it can get really messy! A risk of entertaining any married man is there is always a chance for them to reconcile with their wives. After careful consideration, we decided not to talk or hang out.

“I’m at this bar alone, drinking and watching the game,” he told me (two months later).

“Give me 30 minutes, and I’ll meet you there,” I responded.

I pulled up to the bar and sat next to him. He updated me on his marriage drama and how he saw his wife out with another man.  After about an hour of him venting about his situation, we hugged and went our separate ways. It felt like friend vibes. And I was proud of myself. Here I am, able to be a “supportive friend” to a man I did find attractive but did not cross any line unless you count knees touching.

“Not to blow your head up or anything, but you are the best kisser I’ve had.”

My ego wasn’t blown up, but I appreciate the compliment. It's been four months since that platonic bar encounter. You can use your imagination to determine what happened from then to the time I received that text. And I’ll spare you the dark side of what ended our “friendship.”

It’s been a year since we’ve talked or seen each other. I felt a few different things about the situation, good and bad. But overall, what I realize is that these unavailable men have been tests. It has been a rinse-and-repeat cycle, and I’m just over it. I can’t do it anymore, and I don’t want to do it anymore.

I’ve missed two calls this week. One from my (married) ex-fiancé and a supposed butt dial from this latest unavailable man as I write this blog. I don’t care to follow up or if they follow up. When I tell you I’m not failing these tests anymore, I swear to myself I will not fall into old patterns. I will not put myself in situations that are amplifying toxic behaviors.

I look forward to the slow. I look forward to learning who someone is before exchanging ANY energy with them. I look forward to being in tune with that infamous female intuition that allows us to make decisions based on logic and emotional intuition. I need to see the person as a person and not as a desire, and that takes time. I get it now when 50 Cent says, “When you calm down, you can focus,” referring to his celibacy.

I believe, with all certainty, my soulmate is out there. I don’t know when I’ll meet that person, but I look forward to approaching the next connection differently.

Loving Me First- Laticia (aka Kahleesi)