Not on the Lordt day!

I actually agreed to go on a date ya’ll! Of course, when you are keeping your girls abreast of the dets, they are going to have something to say:

Friend comment #1 He needs to pick the place and time. Well, her exact words were, “Hello Sir, Umm you need to be picking the place. I don’t care if he’s not from here; he has Google just like the rest of us.”

But in the end, he did pick the place and time, which was for this past Saturday.

Then the damn snowstorm happened, so we postponed it one day.

Friend comment #2 “Not on the lordt day! Girl that’s reserved for real boyfriends.”

That is another valid point. But damn it, I needed adult time away from my kids, even on the lord’s day.  So hell yeah, I went and had some adult beverages on a Sunday evening for a first date. And honestly, it was nice because the lack of people created a more intimate atmosphere.

Friend comment #3 “You are not his life coach; you’re a possible love interest.”

This was the best comment to reflect on as I entered the dating world. Although I was not acting as his life coach, I held space for this person. I don’t know why some people tend to open up to me about their life, but it happens. Hell, I went in for a massage and listened to this man’s troubles when all I wanted to do was relax. My friend’s comment made me think about codependency and trauma bonding. So let’s explore that.

Many of us have trauma. Some of us more than others. There’s a difference between sharing trauma(s) and trauma bonding. But because trauma bonding is an actual cycle, it’s my belief that it can start with unhealthy codependency.

Let me elaborate, codependency is a one-sided relationship, casting one person in the role of constant caregiver. People who struggle with codependency are usually raised amidst dysfunctional family dynamics (i.e. childhood trauma), which can make them anxious and insecure about relationships. In the dynamic of codependency, there must be a giver and a taker. Givers are self-critical and often perfectionists attempting to fix or rescue, making themselves feel needed. Takers usually struggle with serious issues like mental health problems, addictions, and emotional immaturity.

 Why is this unhealthy? In healthy relationships, both parties give and receive equally and can retain their own identity separate from the other person. When you are co-dependent, you are stuck in your roles, leading to conflicts and dissatisfaction within the relationship.

Now trauma bonding is a form of abuse. Although takers in codependent relationships can be abusive as well. Trauma bonds can look different depending on the type of relationship, but they tend to have two main characteristics.

One, it’s a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. The abuser professes to love and regret. Then they try to make the relationship feel safe again after the abuse circumstance occurs. It confuses the abusive situation making the victim feel attached to and dependent on their abuser. Like people who are “carers,” victims make excuses for the abusers’ behavior.

The other main character is the imbalance of power. If a partner feels controlled and no longer able to break free.

In both, you will lose a sense of identity, which is why I feel it’s even more critical to know, understand and love yourself before getting into any relationship or even situationship.

Again, there is nothing wrong with showing vulnerability and sharing about past traumas if you truly feel comfortable and trusting with that person. I won’t get into the why or need to share in this blog, but another reflection point. Regarding my date, I don’t know if I’ll see him again. Time will tell…  

Oh, and this was my first date ever with someone the same sign as me, Scorpio. #weaintloyal jk… sort of. 

Loving Me First- Laticia (aka Kahleesi)