The Unavailabe Man Cycle

I sat in one of my favorite bars sipping one of my favorite cocktails. Across from me was a man with whom I had been building up a friendship over the past few weeks. I believe that even while in a relationship, you may be attracted to someone, but should be respectful not to cross boundaries. I sat there listening to this married man tell me how attracted he was to me, how he thinks of me daily, and all the reasons why he likes me. Here we go, again! I try to be friends with men, and it turns out to be something more unintentionally. This scene is too familiar, old, and not desirable. I already know the outcome because I have lived various forms of it. So, when I find myself in situations where I may like someone unavailable, I now pick apart what it is about them that I like and how I would like to see those qualities in my future partner. Not to frame it as I want this unavailable man.

I genuinely believe that if you do not learn from them the first time, you will have the same situation repeated in various ways. This leads to people saying things like, “I always attract unavailable men” or “all (married) men are trash.” People should look inward for understanding why things are happening or why something is repeating.

The statement shouldn’t be “all” or “always,” but rather reframed to bring in what you want and need. And the question you should be asking yourself is, what should I learn from this encounter that I may have missed before? Especially when things feel too familiar.

I’ll use myself as a case study. Last February, I blogged about an unavailable man and how this has been a repeated test for me. Most of the time, these men are married or have relationships that I may or may not be aware of. I have easily blamed myself for these encounters, and I’ve also blamed these men. But now I’m choosing awareness differently.

Let’s break down the judgment thought further: “Why do I always attract the unavailable men?”

·       Consciously, I can hold people’s complexity without judgment. This attracts all types of complicated people to my aura.

·       Reasoning: it’s not that I attract them, it’s that they are naturally attracted to me

·       Subconsciously, this is the sandbox that I’m used to playing in. It’s familiar to my nervous system.

·       Reasoning: I have never seen or experienced nontoxic love to feel worthy of a healthy bond. My nervous system is wired to the toxic.

Now that I’m aware of more conscious and subconscious thoughts, I must reframe the pattern or lesson.

The old pattern is that I subconsciously felt a lack of love because I have felt undeserving, stemming from my mother and father issues. My self-esteem foundation was never built solidly, and that has led to poor choices that my nervous system was used to.

The new pattern is that my subconscious (judgmental) thought is now conscious, and I can make different decisions. The new reframed statement could be: “I release old cycles and call in love that feels safe, nourishing, and present.”

So, now what to do about the married friend who’s crushing? What advice would you give to your friend in this situation?

As we wrap up 2025, I hope that you take time to reflect and move into 2026 with more alignment with your highest self.

Loving me first- Laticia (aka Kahleesi)